My Cookie Standby

Hello blog followers...All three of you have been waiting patiently for my latest update, and now that I've finally graduated from college, completed my student teaching and secured myself a (somewhat decent paying) job, I feel that I can finally devote a modicum of time to writing about my culinary exploits. 

During the recent months of personal and academic turmoil, I have had to work through myriad moments of "oh my gahd my world is caving in on me" stress and lack of control.  Whenever I feel like things are completely gone to shit and I cannot go on a moment further, I turn to cooking.  I know I've often said that cooking is an escape for me, but it finally dawned on me as to why. When I don't know what to do in my life, I turn to something easy...following a recipe, watching the ingredients meld together and feeling confident that I can at least do the task at hand when it involves food....or alcohol (I mean...let's be real...who doesn't drink their feelings?). 

This recipe is 100% the easiest cookie recipe I possess.  If I'm in a bind and need a quick, cheap dessert, I turn to good ol' Paula Deen.  She may be a diabetic hypocrite with a death wish, but girlfriend makes a mean dish. 

These cookies....I mean, If any recipe starts with a stick of butter and a box of cream cheese, it cannot be bad...right? So what if each individual morsel contains 3750 calories... when you're as unhappy and miserable with your life as I am, calories are as meaningless as the $120,000 English degree you have...hanging...on the floor...of your closet?  -_- 

To begin, cream together a stick of butter and a brick of cream cheese that have softened to room temperature while you drank heavily and rocked back and forth on the ground in a fetal position.

 

It should look like this when you're done...smooooooth and creamy.  



 

At some point, you'll need to set down the bottle of wine or hard liquor and add an egg to the butter and cream cheese mixture and then stir until it's smooth.  Don't forget to scrape down the sides of the bowl...nobody likes a slick, slimy pocket of chicken jizz in their delicious cookie dough, because let's be honest...these cookies are never going to get baked...you're far too incapable of turning on an oven and placing the sheet of cookies inside...go sit down and eat your lard slop.  GO! 

 

But if you're feeling adventurous, slowly add a box of chocolate cake mix into the cream cheese, butter and egg, again, stopping intermittently to scrape down your bowl. 

 

 

 

When you've gotten all the cake mixed worked in, you can go one of two ways: add in chips of your choice, put the dough into the fridge.  I decided to go with butterscotch chips because they're delicious and I like things that have scotch in their names.  Mix in your chips by hand.  If you don't your stand mixer will self-destruct when the mixing blade pins a butterscotch chip against the bowl and then your "easy" cookies will be ruined, further emphasizing that you suck at everything.  :)  Refrigerate the dough for two hours so that you can easily handle the dough while forming the cookies. 

 

 

 

 

After 2 hours, 6 more cocktails and another round of "when will I amount to something more than just a vacuum with nipples," take the cookie dough out of the refrigerator.  Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.  Pour a healthy (Haha! see what I'm about to do here!) portion of powdered sugar (crystal meth? Really, what's the difference?) into a shallow dish.  Scoop your cookie dough into 1-2 inch diameter balls.  Roll the balls in your powder and then place them on an ungreased cookie sheet.  Bake them for 12 minutes!



 

 

When they come out, they should look like little patties of approval and unconditional love.  

 

 

Ingest. 



 



Girlfriend Need a Bigger Pay Check

Lets be honest...I'm broke as shit. Props to that Julie girl who cooked her way through Julia child's cookbook, cause lord knows that must have required more money per month than I make in a year. Because I'm on such a tight budget, I've been forced to start making meals that yield
a lot of food for not a lot of money. To make things even more difficult, my doctor told me my blood pressure was too high and that I needed to lose about twenty pounds. I'm 22. That's such bullshit.  But whatever, bitches gotta do what bitches gotta do. So the other night I decided to make lentil soup. Not only is lentil soup high in protein, flavor and nutritional value, but it's also low in fat, sodium and simple carbohydrates. Furthermore, when the chicken stock is substituted by vegetable stock, it's 100% vegetarian. Not only was this dish an absolute vacation for my tastebuds, but it was also super filling, exceptionally cheap and exceedingly delicious. I garnished with a dollop of sour cream, but the beauty of this dish is that it lends itself to many different garnishes. For instance, if one wished to stick with the middle-eastern styling, one could garnish with greek yogurt or perhaps a dollop of hummus. I really liked the sour cream because it added a certain tanginess that really cut through the earthiness of the lentils and the stewed veggies. Anyway...on to my recipe.

Lentil Soup

1 Bag "Best Choice" lentils

1 1/2 C onion, finely chopped

1/2 C carrot, finely chopped

1/2 C celery, finely chopped

3-4 cloves garlic, roughly chopped

1 can crushed tomatoes

2 T olive oil
1 T ground cumin
1/2 T dried thyme leaves, crushed between two fingers
1/2 T curry powder

1 t smoked paprika

1/2 t ground ginger

2 boxes "Swanson" chicken or vegetable stock

2 bay leaves

salt and pepper to taste

To begin, rinse the lentils in water two or three times, then soak the lentils in a solution of water and 1 tablespoon baking soda for at least an hour to "degass" the lentils. Trusts me..it's worth the wait.

Once the lentils are "degassed" and you're ready to begin assembling the soup, saute the onion, celery and carrot in the 3T olive oil until transluscent (about 5 min). Add in the minced garlic, bay leaves and spices until fragrant (about 1 min).

Next, pour in the can of crushed tomatoes and the soaked, rinsed and drained lentils. Stir to coat. Finally, pour in the two boxes of chicken or vegetable stock and bring to a boil.

Once boiling, set your timer for 35 minutes and stir occasionally. I recommend watching an episode of United States of Tara or some other hilariously underrated Showtime show while you wait.

Once your handy dandy timer indicates that your soup is ready, take a spoonful of your glorious amalgamation and test those delightful little lentils for doneness. If they are done, remove the offensive bay leaves and prepare to make the biggest decision of your life: to blend or not to blend.

This soup is delightful blended or unblended, but for a superior epicurean experience, I recommend blending. The velvety texture of the blended lentils is something everyone should experience at least once in their lifetime. If you choose to blend the soup, use either an immersion blender or ladle manageable portions into your regular blender/ food processor and pulse until smooth.

I would say this recipe easily serves 8-10 people, but it also keeps well in the fridge or freezer if you wish to serve it to fewer people, and as with all soups, it's infinitely better the next day.

I cannot believe it's been over a year since I last posted in this blog. The last million-and-a-half days have been so crazy that it's a miracle I'm even still here. I actually began writing this post in November and just remembered today that it was sitting as a draft on my blog.  I'll at least attempt to post in here more often, but we'll see how that goes. Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you have the courage to try my Lentil soup. I promise it's a cinch and won't leave you disappointed.

"Sometimes Life Just Sucks" or "I Put Too Much Stock into my Baking Abilities"

Tomorrow is my mother-in-pseudo-law's birthday, so in keeping with tradition, I made her a cheesecake. Last year I made a feeble attempt at her favorite: tiramisu, and this year I've ventured to make a mash-up of sorts. A chocolate chip tiramisu cheesecake! Anyway, I gathered the ingredients, not too cheap, mind you, and set to work. Despite the simple recipe, I managed to screw it up in the following ways:

• I couldn't find lady fingers for the crust, so I used vanilla wafers which are too strongly flavored and not nearly light or crisp enough.
  


• I didn't disolve the coffee granules in the melted butter before I added them to the crust, so the crust looks like a dalmation and tastes like an old pot of stale coffee.

• I over baked the aforementioned crust because i thought, 'oh, it only needs to be in there for 8 minutes, surely i won't forget it.'
  


• I didn't scrape down the bowl enough while I was mixing, so there were big chunks of mascarpone and cream cheese collected in the bottom. that had to be tossed out.
  


• I forgot to stir in the chocolate chips. One would think that that would be a difficult step to forget, but I totally did.
  


• I consciously skipped the traditional waterbath and modified the technique by placing the broiler pan of water on the rack below the cheesecake, which resulted in a cracked and overly browned surface.
  


• And finally, I opted not to give up and will present Denise with this cheescake tomorrow evening, despite its flaws.

I'm sorry, but that thing cost me about 12 dollars just to make and I ran over my budget for the month on Monday. I have a feeling it will be delicious regardless, and if it's not, I'll throw it out myself, but I think Denise and the rest of the Gamba/Sams will love it. I really ought to pay more attention to recipes and I shouldn't assume that the first time I try a recipe it will come out perfectly. Therefore, I should test all my recipes before I plan on using them as birthday presents. Nuts.

**ADDENDUM**

Forget everything I said above. We ate it and it was divine.

McDrunky Adventure 2.0

Sooo...nobody but Brent showed up on friday to celebrate my birthday with me. I'm glad I have such loyal friends. We still had a lot of fun, though. We went to Harry's bar and tables which was really just bourgie wannabe hipsters standing in a room about the size of a two car garage and yelling really loudly while drinking overpriced martinis. We then went to Bistro 303 because we (wrongly) assumed it would be quieter because it has bistro in the name and the clietele tends to be a bit more...gay. Well, everyone knows a gaggle of gays can chat up a storm louder than any group of straight people. Add in a pumping club remix of Selena Gomez and Nicki Minaj and it was damn near deafening. I bumped into my good friend Jim. I thanked him for being the only other person to come out and celebrate my birthday with me. his response: "It's your birthday?" rude. Whatever, it was funny to see him anyway. This moment not only made me realize that I need more friends, but it made me extremely thankful for Brent because without him I would've been a sad sack sitting in a restaurant all alone on my birthday a'la Carrie Bradshaw on her 35th. Yikes.

My First Legal McDrunky Adventure 1.0

So last night...I had an abortion. Ugh. It makes me sick to think about. I went to Henry's on 8th st. up in Lawrence. It's a great venue if you want a quiet, intimate evening. The bartenders are friendly and they dress nicely so it ads to the dive bar atmosphere. Anyway...back to the abortion. Brent goes up and orders us all a birthday shot. We'd been talking about this shot called an abortion. Apparently this girl Tracy did it at her 21st birthday. Ugh. It's peach schnapps with bailey's floated on top and drops of grenadine dropped down through the baileys. The effect is little towers of flesh colored liquour dripped down through the clear peach schnapps and a small pool of bloody grenadine chillin' at the bottom of the shot glass. It seriously looks like a chopped up baby in a shot glass and it really almost made me throw up while I was looking at it. Boy howdy, though...it tasted amazing. well this was only the first half of my birthday celebrating. I'm going out in Kansas City tomorrow night and there will certainly be pictures and stories to tell.

OMACT! or Oh My Apple Cake Tatin

Hello Gorgeous. Mmmm your caramel is showing.

Okay! so as some of you may or may not be aware, I am a refugee, hopelessly self-banished from my home due to a complete lack of interesting parents. Today however, I was forced to spend the evening at home in the company of my papa.

"Where's my damn cake!?" my dad chides, referencing my half hearted promise to bake him something in remuneration for helping my fix my car.

"Oh...you're serious," I groan disparagingly, "Hold on."

Screw those store bought cakes. Pshaw to those dry layer cakes with too much frosting. Apple Cake Tatin, I choose you! Thank you once again, Ina, for providing me with a tasty, challenging and thoroughly entertaining evening. Before you freak out over the decidedly French name, this recipe had to be one of the easiest cakes I've ever made. Originally, the recipe was called Plum Cake Tatin and it consisted of 10-12 plums slaughtered and doused in boiling sugar all topped with a body bag of tender cake flecked with lemon zest. I don't know about you, but in my mind the only thing a plum is good for is curing constipation, and frankly...I don't need my dessert to coax any unwelcomed visitors out of me. I used apples because I've been thinking about caramel apples since I walked by the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory at the Legends this afternoon, and Anne Burrell did an Apple Tart Tatin on her show a couple weeks ago and I wanted to best her.

Okay, so The most difficult part about this cake is making the caramel. You have to make sure you have real cane sugar (some off brand sugars are made from beets rather than sugar cane, and thus don't caramelize), and you MUST watch it carefully. I was trying to slice apples while it was boiling away and if I hadn't turned around when I did, I would've had a pan full of burnt shit rather than golden amber deliciousness. By the grace of Gaga, I turned around right as the sugar was reaching the desired temperature (360 degrees). So WATCH YOUR SHIT! Okay, so slice the apples fairly thin. I cut them into about 1/2" slices and carefully splayed them out in a nautilus pattern. Once this was accomplished and my sugar was perfectly browned, I drizzled the boiling caramel over the fresh granny smiths.

The batter is fairly basic. Flour, baking powder, a tiny bit of salt, butter, sugar, two eggs, sour cream, vanilla and a sprinkling of lemon zest and you're set. Pour the batter over the caramelized apples and pop it into a 350 for 30-40 minutes. So wonderful. The caramel melts into the light refreshing cake and the apples nestle in as though snuggling into big puffy duvet. Honestly, try this cake it's so simple and absolutely the most delicious cake I've ever made

For the full original recipe, click here --->http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/plum-cake-tatin-recipe/index.html

Ahh...Sweet Release.

So I'm home from college now. *sigh* It's astonishing how much time I don't spend doing things. Most days I wake up at noon, roll out of bed, eat a "sangwich" or something, watch a little food network and then crawl back into bed for a mid afternoon nap. Seriously... it's a life that's almost not worth living.

However
(I love how drastically 'however' can change a course of events)~~foreshadowing!!!!!!

This week I've really been working on doing something for me everyday. Before you get all bujiggity on me, callin' me a selfish boob or whatnot, other's benefit from me actions too! It all started with a box of betty crocker blueberry muffins. I made them per the instructions, then get creative with a little streusel topping made by cutting cold butter, brown sugar, cinnamon and flour together. well...it didn't work out so well but this foray inspired me to try a little harder the next day. I made Apple Crisp. Shut up, it's not easy, it's really really hard...apparently...since I screwed it up too. Whatever. Chut up (yeah, chut). Stop looking at me like that. Anyway, On Wednesday I made banana bread from scratch and without a hand mixer. It was a complete and total success, just ask my waistline. Desserts make me feel good. Not just the eating part, but the making part too. There's so much to be said for a hard hour's work beating air into 1 and a 1/2 cups of sugar and two eggs (imagine wisking wet sand) and creating something that your loved ones (or one...>:( )feel completely comfortable finishing in one sitting. FAT. So today, after a really difficultly long day at my thankless, stupid, meaningless job, I went to Whole Foods, picked up a salmon filet and a baguette, ate the entire baguette on the three minute drive home (FAT) and sat down and watched a movie while I waited for hunger to come knocking once again.

I took a less conventional approach and broiled the salmon after dressing it in a light lemon, olive oil, garlic and rosemary vinaigrette. I also boiled about 8 medium sized potatoes, fried up some bacon, roasted some garlic, dumped in some sour cream, butter, cheese and milk and made myself a hefty side of loaded mashed potatoes AKA: carb heaven. This one was for me. After baking all these things for my family taking only the gratitude of cooking from them, I decided today was my day to splurge and spend 17 dollars on a single portion of fish. Yes. I'm worth it. It was more than that, though, my parents were out of town and therefore dinner was my responsibility. Seeing as my brother will be working until 2am, I couldn't let him go hungry, so I made him some too. This brings me to my entire point...regardless of the occasion, motivation or recipe, cooking is my release. Even though I hate my job and I hate sitting around my house, if I can come out of it all, throw together an amazing meal or even a shitty apple crisp, the process of culinary exploration helps me wake up in the morning and not want to dive head first off of my bunk bed.