Foodie McDrunky Drunk: My Cookie Standby

Hello blog followers...All three of you have been waiting patiently for my latest update, and now that I've finally graduated from college, completed my student teaching and secured myself a (somewhat decent paying) job, I feel that I can finally devote a modicum of time to writing about my culinary exploits.

During the recent months of personal and academic turmoil, I have had to work through myriad moments of "oh my gahd my world is caving in on me" stress and lack of control. Whenever I feel like things are completely gone to shit and I cannot go on a moment further, I turn to cooking. I know I've often said that cooking is an escape for me, but it finally dawned on me as to why. When I don't know what to do in my life, I turn to something easy...following a recipe, watching the ingredients meld together and feeling confident that I can at least do the task at hand when it involves food....or alcohol (I mean...let's be real...who doesn't drink their feelings?).

This recipe is 100% the easiest cookie recipe I possess. If I'm in a bind and need a quick, cheap dessert, I turn to good ol' Paula Deen. She may be a diabetic hypocrite with a death wish, but girlfriend makes a mean dish.

These cookies....I mean, If any recipe starts with a stick of butter and a box of cream cheese, it cannot be bad...right? So what if each individual morsel contains 3750 calories... when you're as unhappy and miserable with your life as I am, calories are as meaningless as the $120,000 English degree you have...hanging...on the floor...of your closet? -_-

To begin, cream together a stick of butter and a brick of cream cheese that have softened to room temperature while you drank heavily and rocked back and forth on the ground in a fetal position.

It should look like this when you're done...smooooooth and creamy.

At some point, you'll need to set down the bottle of wine or hard liquor and add an egg to the butter and cream cheese mixture and then stir until it's smooth. Don't forget to scrape down the sides of the bowl...nobody likes a slick, slimy pocket of chicken jizz in their delicious cookie dough, because let's be honest...these cookies are never going to get baked...you're far too incapable of turning on an oven and placing the sheet of cookies inside...go sit down and eat your lard slop. GO!

But if you're feeling adventurous, slowly add a box of chocolate cake mix into the cream cheese, butter and egg, again, stopping intermittently to scrape down your bowl.

When you've gotten all the cake mixed worked in, you can go one of two ways: add in chips of your choice, put the dough into the fridge. I decided to go with butterscotch chips because they're delicious and I like things that have scotch in their names. Mix in your chips by hand. If you don't your stand mixer will self-destruct when the mixing blade pins a butterscotch chip against the bowl and then your "easy" cookies will be ruined, further emphasizing that you suck at everything. :) Refrigerate the dough for two hours so that you can easily handle the dough while forming the cookies.

After 2 hours, 6 more cocktails and another round of "when will I amount to something more than just a vacuum with nipples," take the cookie dough out of the refrigerator. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Pour a healthy (Haha! see what I'm about to do here!) portion of powdered sugar (crystal meth? Really, what's the difference?) into a shallow dish. Scoop your cookie dough into 1-2 inch diameter balls. Roll the balls in your powder and then place them on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake them for 12 minutes!